Dr. Alan Wolfelt, director of the Center for Loss and Life Transition, calls grief a “wilderness.”
When a loved one dies, we feel lost. Our world changes so much that we aren’t sure how to move forward.
It can be hard to see a path out of the wilderness. No one progresses neatly through five stages ending with acceptance. Grief is far more personal and unpredictable, unfolding in its own time and way.
Wolfelt offers us comfort in the way of touchstones. These are markers along the path that signal healing. He explores these touchstones in depth in Understanding Your Grief, which I highly recommend.
In June, I started a series of blog posts to explore Wolfelt’s touchstones. I wanted to deeply understand his work, and I learn best by explaining concepts to others. Through this process, I also found myself reflecting on how the touchstones showed up in my life and in the lives of my clients.
This collection of postcards expresses the insights I’ve gained through my deep dive into Wolfelt’s teachings. My hope is that this collection will offer you helpful techniques, perspectives, and methods to support your journey through grief.
Touchstone One – Open to the presence of your grief
Postcard: Grieving is Learning
It takes a while to fully recognize the full impact of our loss. When the numbness fades, we need to open up to the experience of grief so we can begin our healing work. Grieving is experiential learning. Your ability to engage with grief is what gets you through it.
Touchstone Two – Dispel a dozen misconceptions about grief
Postcard: Dosing Grief
People around you will want you to feel better fast. Wolfelt covers all of the harmful advice you’ll get from these well-wishers. It’s full of toxic positivity, spiritual bypassing, and emotional suppression. The intense experience of grief must follow its own timeline. It cannot be ignored or rushed. Learning to dose grief will help you endure the long, arduous process
Touchstone Three – Embrace the uniqueness of your grief
Postcard: Making Sense of Grief
Yes, your grief is normal. Your grief experience emerges from a mix of details about you, your loved one, your relationship, and this specific moment in your life history. Through self-reflection, you will make sense out of your grief. And then, you’ll understand better how to tend to it.
Touchstone Four – Explore your feelings of loss
Postcard: Feel Grief to Heal From It
The word bereavement means ‘to be torn apart.’ You can’t escape the intensity of the emotions you feel in the wake of loss. You can, however, learn techniques to help you tolerate the inner turmoil. Over time, the waves of emotion will become more manageable. At some point, you’ll realize you’re the one who changed by becoming stronger and more resilient.
Touchstone Five – Understanding the six needs of mourning
Postcard: Mourning is a Verb
Grief is an emotional experience. Mourning is the outward expression of grief and it’s the most effective way to work through your loss. Wolfelt’s "Six Needs of Mourning" give you the blueprint for expressing your grief.
Touchstone Six – Recognize you are not crazy
Postcard: Grief is Weird
My clients seldom reach out to me because they feel sad. They reach out because they don’t feel like themselves. They fear they’re suffering from mental illness or cognitive decline. They aren’t. Grief is just weird.
Touchstone Seven – Nurture yourself
Postcard: Simple Self Care for Grievers
If you’re grieving, you need to keep your self-care program as simple as possible. Step one: Stop worrying about self-care. Step two: Move daily.
Touchstone Eight – Reach out for help
Postcard: Help Friends Help You Through Grief
Grieving is a deeply personal journey, but we all need companionship and compassionate care when navigating loss. Your true friends will show up for you. And they genuinely want to. Here’s how to help them help you.
Touchstone Nine – Seek reconciliation, not resolution
Postcard: How to Bear a Mending Heart
In some ways, a broken heart is like a broken bone. In other ways, it’s much, much worse. Your job is to support the natural process of healing, for as long as it takes. Here are tips for bearing a mending heart.
Touchstone 10 – Appreciate your transformation
Postcard: Wrestling Blessings Out of Grief
When we’re bereaved, we are Jacob and grief is our stranger. It pulls us into a wounding battle, making us wrestle with questions we never wanted to face. But there are hard-won blessings in the struggle. They are our renewed belief in ourselves, a new connection to our loved one, and a keener appreciation of life.
Final Thoughts
Grief is hard, unpredictable, and deeply personal. When you feel bereft or lost, Dr. A touchstones are reminders that you are moving forward, even when it doesn’t feel like it.
My study of the touchstones has made me deeply appreciate Dr. Wolfelt’s work. His wisdom has guided many of us through the wilderness of grief and loss.
I’ve compiled my reflections here in hopes they bring support and solace to you. I hope you’ll read and share this post.
Want to Know More About Grief Coaching? Let's Chat
Do you feel stuck in grief? Worried that you'll have to live in deep sadness for the rest of your life? Let’s chat.
I'll tell you about how my grief coaching program can help you consciously engage with your grief so you can feel better more quickly and start seeing progress toward grief recovery. We'll also talk about other stressors that may be interfering with your process, like family conflict or anxiety over living alone.
Click here to schedule a call. Rather connect through email? Send your questions to cindy@shadowlandscoaching.com.
Get A Griever's Guide to the Shadowlands of Grief
Have you recently lost someone dear to you? Or are you worried about someone who has? Download your free copy of A Griever's Guide to The Shadowlands of Loss. It covers some key elements to grieving and a few helpful strategies that can ease your experience of grief.
