As the sun set behind the tall North Carolina pines, a roomful of end-of-life doula trainees pretended to die.

I was among them.

Our instructor set up this experience to help us conquer our death anxiety.

“If you’re going to support dying people, you first must get over your fear of your own death,” she told us.

Did the exercise completely rid me of my death anxiety?

Well, no.

But it was a good start.

Because it taught me the best antidote for my death anxiety is to focus on living.

Fear of Death

I confess, I’m uneasy about dying.

Wait, that’s not exactly right.

I know that advances in hospice care can spare me a physically painful death. And there’s much evidence in the end-of-life literature that some people have amazing experiences in their final days.

It’s the “ceasing to exist” part that I don’t like. It strikes a nerve.

Some people claim to have no fear of their own death and I take them at their word.

Others struggle mightily with death anxiety. They require the help of a mental health professional to cope with their intrusive thoughts and panic attacks.

The clinical name for this anxiety is thanatophobia, meaning “irrational fear of death.”

Which begs the question: what’s so irrational about being afraid to die?

Most of us have a strong coping mechanism to protect us from thanatophobia. We simply don’t think about our own demise.

But eventually, life events override this mechanism. Aging. A life-altering health diagnosis. Caregiving. A loved one’s death.

I’m as vulnerable as anyone else.

Most often, my anxiety creeps in late at night or in the wee hours of the morning. Lying in bed, I wonder how my late-in-life chapter is going to unfold. My thoughts are seldom comforting. Let’s just say, my profession provides a lot of fuel for my imagination.

But I’ve come a long way since that afternoon of pretend-dying.

I credit the structured conversations with my doula partner for helping me figure out the core issue causing my death anxiety. And I left the retreat with motivation to solve it.

To be a happy person, one must contemplate death five times daily. ~ Bhutanese folk saying

That exercise taught me that the best way to deal with death anxiety is to figure out what’s within your control and take care of it. (This actually is a good prescription for any anxiety.)

Death is not a choice. But you can choose how to live, and you can influence the legacy you leave. And taking care of those two things can ease some death anxiety.

So, if you want to start addressing your death anxiety with a plan, here’s the exercise that helped me.

Part 1: The Bucket-List

Let’s start with the exercise that’s the most fun. A spoonful of sugar and all that.

Imagine you have five years to live. Your health and mental capabilities will remain as they are now until your final hour.

Knowing the limitations of your life, how would you spend your next five years?

• What places do you want to visit?
• What do you want to learn?
• What skills do you want to develop?
• What do you want to create or accomplish?
• Who do you want to see? How and where will you spend your time with them?
• What do you want to tell others before you depart?
• How do you want to be remembered?

Did you do it?

Congratulations.

You’ve just laid out the blueprint of how you want to live.

I hope your time isn’t limited. That you have decades more than five years to complete your bucket list.

But just in case…

What are your plans for tomorrow?

Part 2: The Unfinished Business List

This is a grimmer exercise. But it also will get you right to the heart of your anxiety.

Imagine you have one week to live.

What will you regret that you didn’t do?

Do not focus on how you’ll spend your final days. In this scenario, you'll be busy dying. You may not realize it, but dying is an all-consuming experience.

Assume, instead, that time has run out. And write down answers to the following:

• What apologies do you wish you’d made?
• What forgiveness did you fail to offer?
• Who did you neglect to thank?
• What tasks and obligations are you leaving for others to complete?

If you did this exercise, you now have a list of your unfinished business. These worries are contributing most to your death anxiety.

If you can address these, you'll open the path to finding more peace about your inevitable end of life. I'm not saying you'll get rid of your death anxiety completely, but this is the first big step.

And the clock is ticking, my friend.

So let me ask you again.

What are your plans for tomorrow?

Current State of My Death Anxiety

That EOL doula death training years ago was a gift.

The exercise made me face my biggest and most painful death fear: that my cats would outlive my husband and me. I could not bear the thought of them ending up in a shelter or, worse, being thrown out of their home to fend for themselves.

Within a couple of months, I found an estate lawyer to draw up our estate papers, including a well-funded pet trust for our feline family members. I had awkward conversations with family and friends to be sure they were on board with taking over my affairs. I lined up a pet trustee and two back-ups.

It meant asking a lot of people to think about my death along with me. And it was weird.

But now, the documents are signed and notarized.

And I sleep much better at night.

Anxiety helps you identify problems and opportunities, and it brings you the energy and focus you need to face them. ~ Karla McLaren, Embracing Anxiety

As for the bucket list exercise, it served me well too. Like many people, I had to shake off the pandemic malaise. It had become too easy to order takeout and spend my time streaming tv shows.

My bucket list got me out the door.

The Gift of Death Anxiety

Writer and emotions researcher Karla McLaren teaches that every emotion serves us. Anxiety’s purpose is to activate us to act now to get as much control as possible over our future.

If you are grappling with death anxiety, use the gift.

Settle your discomfort by making your plans, feeling more peace about your future, and living a life that is aligned with your dreams and values.

You’ll be glad you did.

Let's Chat

My coaching uses proven methods for helping people adapt to life after loss. You’ll learn exactly how to work with intense emotions, so they cause you less suffering. You’ll know how to recognize your own healing progress, giving you hope that life can feel easier again. Grief coaching also helps you get clearer on what matters most to you. You’ll start to recreate a life after loss that truly feels worth living.

Rather connect through email? Send your questions to cindy@shadowlandscoaching.com.