My father-in-law was a WWII veteran. He died on Memorial Day and was buried on D-Day in Quantico National Cemetery.

His funeral procession traveled across three counties. Police officers held traffic at intersections, allowing the parade of cars to pass.

As the hearse rolled through, the officers with military service paused, stood up perfectly straight and saluted. They held attention until the vehicle cleared the intersection.

They were honoring one of their own as he slowly drifted toward the horizon.

Grief Bursts

Grief bursts are one of the worst parts of grieving a loved one. 

They’re a sudden rush of emotion triggered by something random. A song on the radio. A restaurant you used to visit with your loved one. A medical clinic form asking you for your marital status.

They blindside you. Take your breath away. Bring tears to your eyes.

When a grief burst hits in public, it’s embarrassing. You feel shame about not being in control. And for making others feel uncomfortable.

But grief bursts are normal reactions to loss.

They’re caused by the sudden reminder, deep in your bones, that someone or something you cherish is gone.

Forever and always.

And not by your choice.

It’s one of the purest and most painful expressions of love.

Lean In

People may tell you there’s nothing you can do about grief. You just have to get used to it. 

Pay no attention to that message.

Grief is an emotion.

And, like all emotions, it carries important information that requires your attention.

And a call to action.

Grief is calling you to take a moment to recognize and honor your loss and release your resistance to a past you can’t change.

It’s time to pause. Pay attention. Allow the grief burst to move through without resistance.

Simple. But not easy, by any means.

That’s because we live in a death phobic culture where no one cares to linger in the presence of death and loss.

And they don’t want to watch anyone else linger, either.

They push grievers toward fast acceptance.

And we try to comply with their expectations.

We turn our focus forward instead of inward. Divert attention and energy to goals and responsibilities.

Or try to look upward. They’re in a better place. God’s plan is divine. This experience will make us stronger.

Grief will have none of it.

Your loss is real. Your pain is real.

You can’t get rid of that reality by spiritually bypassing it. Or getting logical about the cycle of life. Or whistling past the pain with distractions like food, vacations, phone games, or work.

The only way out of the emotional pain of grief is through it.

Micro-Rituals

But it’s so hard to face the experience, especially when pain is acute. 

And the unpredictable grief bursts can really make you feel out of control.

So, what helps?

Believe it or not, rituals do.

To honor your grief is not self-destructive or harmful, it is courageous and life-giving. ~ Dr. Alan Wolfelt, death educator and grief counselor.

They are one of the best techniques for coping with rapid onset grief.

That’s why I encourage my clients to keep a micro-ritual in their back pocket in case of grief bursts.

The method I recommend is based on the police officers’ ritual for bidding farewell to a fellow soldier.

It looks like this:

• When you feel the threatening swell of a grief burst, stop and take a breath.

• Feel your feet. Feel where their soles connect to the Earth. And how the Earth supports them.

• If you happen to be with another person, ask them to give you a moment. You don’t have to explain anything. If they’re a friend, it’s likely they’ll understand exactly what’s happening.

• If it feels safe and comfortable, close your eyes, and bring one or both hands to your heart, a civilian version of the soldiers’ salute.

• Stand still, dropping resistance to thoughts and physical sensation. Allow thoughts to drift about. Words and images on free-floating clouds.

• Locate the sensations of grief. Where are they in your body? What are the qualities of the sensations? Invite the sensations to move and observe how they change.

• Remember they can move past the boundaries of your skin. They can expand and diffuse and move out and away from you at their own speed.

• Hold steady until you feel a shift. It’s the sign that the cloud burst is moving on.

• After the shift, drop your hands. It’s a signal that the cloud burst has passed and the ritual has ended.

• Open your eyes and re-connect with something in the room. If you’re with someone, thank them for being there and holding space for you.

This is what it looks like to lean into a grief burst, instead of attempting to escape it.

The whole micro-ritual takes seconds. (It takes far longer to read the description than to actually do it.)

This is leaning into the grief. It’s the fastest to way get through it.

I do recommend you practice, though. When sorrow arises in private moments, do this ritual.

That way, it will come to you naturally when grief catches you by surprise.

Why Rituals Work?

I never was much for rituals. 

Growing up, I only knew the rituals through church. And I preferred the happy chaos of the nursery to ritualized worship.

Then, I discovered how powerful rituals can be as grief-coping mechanisms.

I’m not sure why they work so well. But I have a theory.

Intense grief makes our mind feel cornered and our impulse is to find a fast escape from the experience. Our mind goes into problem-solving mode, trying to find a quick way out of overwhelming emotion.

But escaping grief is counterproductive. The pain, itself, is a source of healing.

A ritual keeps the mind busy. Gives it a set of prescribed tasks to focus on, so that it steps aside to allow emotions to flow.

The Path to Better

You may be skeptical that micro-rituals can work. But I encourage you to try it. 

Because you can’t prevent grief bursts. And, even if you could, it wouldn’t be in the best interest of your healing.

Doing the grief work is.

But also, don’t expect ritual to put an end to grief bursts. They may sneak up on you for years to come.

And each time, the grief will feel different. The edges won’t be quite so sharp.

You’ll be less rigid. More trusting that you can survive the experience.

Gradually you’ll detect the love in the heartache.

Eventually the love will outshine the heartache.

It takes time, but you will get better.

You just have to take it one grief burst at a time.

My coaching uses proven methods for helping people adapt to life after loss. You’ll learn exactly how to work with intense emotions, so they cause you less suffering. You’ll know how to recognize your own healing progress, giving you hope that life can feel easier again. Grief coaching also helps you get clearer on what matters most to you. You’ll start to recreate a life after loss that truly feels worth living.

Rather connect through email? Send your questions to cindy@shadowlandscoaching.com.