What exactly is a grief coach? 

 Interesting you should ask. It’s taken me about three years to figure it out.

I read. A lot.

I took some classes.

But mostly, I listened deeply to my clients and observed them work through the most difficult experiences of their life.

In this post, I’m sharing what I’ve learned. What I believe my specific approach to grief coaching has to offer. This is the path my clients and I follow to help them reconcile their loss and feel more stable and hopeful about life.

But first…

Why Do My Clients Reach Out?

Grief is a natural response to the loss of someone or something precious and irreplaceable. It’s a facet of love. I believe we all, deep down, understand how to grieve.

But loss is a confusing experience.

Few of us had role models or instructions on how to do the work of grief. Nor do we have people around us who seem to understand what will help.

That’s why guidance and support from someone trained in the ways of grief can be so comforting.  

My clients reach out to me because they feel disoriented.

If they’re caregivers, they’re burned out from the emotional rollercoaster of anticipatory grief for a loved one at end of life. If they’re newly bereaved, they feel adrift. Stunned and lonely, because no one in their life quite knows what to say or do for them.

They call me because they hope  a grief coach has some ideas of what might help.

Every grief journey is unique, but over the years, I noted a certain pattern that unfolds as my clients work their way toward a sense of stability and hopefulness for the future.

This is the path we walk together as they reconcile their loss and move back into the flow of life.

Companionship

“I’m so glad I don’t have to do this alone.”

This is one of the first things my clients say to me when we start working together.

That’s because grief can be such a lonely experience.

Grievers often find themselves  surrounded by people who have no idea what to say or do. Some say nothing, thinking they shouldn’t remind you of your loss. (Like you could forget.)

Others are full of bad advice that all contradicts itself:

Take time to grieve but don’t stay in denial.

You’ll never get over your loss but it’s time to move on.

You’re going through so much right now!  But when can we expect you back at work?

I’m different from most people. As a grief coach, I’ve been trained in the art of holding space.

That means I won’t try to “fix” your grief. Instead, I enter your hell and sit with you, allowing you to feel what you feel. I’m beside you as you engage with intense emotions to gain clarity and healing.

I’m there to reassure you that whatever you experience is normal. That you have the right to work through your grief on your own terms, at your own pace.

When you’re ready, we’ll work together on the next steps back into the flow of life, while keeping your loved one close to your heart.

Relief

My clients learn how to ride out intense bouts of emotion that can well up out of nowhere.

Grief has the quality of a tsunami wave.

You may start out your day feeling steady. In relative control of your emotions.

Then, you hear a particular song or read a random quote in the paper, and bam! Grief blindsides you.

Loss can amplify other emotions as well. At any given moment, you may feel yourself struggling with overwhelming guilt, anger, or fear.

My clients hate this unpredictable nature of grief. They worry about losing control in public. Making others feel uncomfortable. Bringing attention to themselves at moments when they most need privacy.

They learn to work with waves of grief. To stay steady as emotions crest, break, and recede.

They also learn that grief and other emotions are more than random experiences to be tolerated. 

Rather, emotions are messages from our intuition alerting us to something that needs our attention and, possibly, action. We work on how to listen, interpret, and use emotions to their advantage.

By engaging instead of resisting their emotions, clients regain a sense of control. It’s probably the most powerful skill I can teach them.

Peace

Death and loss can bring a lot of upheaval to our lives.

We stand in the middle of a past that may feel unfinished, a chaotic present, and a future that can look frighteningly uncertain.

It's hard to know what to do in the middle of this storm. 

Unless we understand the message of grief.

And that message is to stop.

Take time out to fully experience who or what you are losing. Honoring it. Releasing it. 

If my clients are bereaved, they may be struggling with remorse over things said or not said, done or not done. They believe the window has shut for making amends.

But it hasn't 

If my clients are caregivers, they must juggle the responsibilities of keeping their loved one safe and comfortable. Yet they feel time slipping away.  How do they take advantage of the precious time they have left? 

I know how to lead my clients through relationship completion, reflection and ritual to honor their loved ones and find creative ways to make amends.

And most of all, they learn it's never too late to do grief work.

Because,  as writer Mitch Albon once wrote, “Death ends a life, not a relationship.”

While our loss changes us forever, it's possible to make peace with what is.

That's what we do at Shadowlands Coaching. 

Meaningful Transformation

To be clear: I don’t help my clients achieve transformation.

Loss does that.

My clients come after the cataclysmic transformation they never asked for. They turn to me to help pick up the pieces.

The word transformation has an upbeat ring to it. It’s a word used by motivational coaches and spiritual mentors pushing us to take a voluntary leap out of our mediocre lives and into our “best selves.”

The word’s actual meaning is “a thorough and dramatic change.”

The very thing humans hate most in this world.  

Death educator Stephen Jenkinson compares transformation to “coming through your front door and discovering an unwelcome intruder has completely rearranged your furniture; [it brings you an] “unwelcome opportunity to decide anew what your life would look like….”

Like many transformational experiences, a loved one’s death happens to us.

Death and loss are a way of life. You have no choice in the matter.

But you can choose how you respond.

You can take the opportunity to know yourself better. What personal strength did you discover you had as you navigate your life after loss?

What matters to you? How do you want to contribute to yourself, your family, and community?

What baggage can you leave behind as you move forward?

How do you want to spend the finite number of days allotted to you?

Does the transformation make your loved one’s death worth it?  Absolutely not.  

Do you have to “get over” your loss to move on? Nope. In fact, you probably can’t do it even if you try.

But you can wrestle some hard-won blessings from a difficult transformation.

As a grief coach with life coach training, it’s my job to help you figure out how.

I Love My Work

 People often ask me why I chose this work.

“Isn’t it heartbreaking?” they ask.

Well yes. I do feel my clients’ losses in my heart.

But that doesn’t make my work depressing.

Every day, I see people at their bravest and at their humblest. I see their brilliance as they struggle to reconcile the hardest experiences they’ve ever faced.

I do not believe bad things happen to us “for a reason.”

 Death occurs because it’s the nature of things. It’s timing is random. And that’s a hard thing for mere mortals to deal with.

Yet my clients deal with it. They do so by creating meaning from their experience and moving forward with purpose.

I don’t bring faith to my clients. They bring it to me.

“I do not at all understand the mystery of grace – only that it meets us where we are but does not leave us where it found us,” wrote author Anne Lamott.

This is how I feel about my work. I see unfathomable grace daily.

That’s why I do what I do.

(Banner photo by Joakim Honkasalo on Unsplash)

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Rather connect through email? Send your questions to cindy@shadowlandscoaching.com