When I was a child, my family vacationed at the Outer Banks of North Carolina. This popular oceanside destination is known for its barrier island beauty. For the Wright Brothers’ first successful flight.

And for its deadly rip currents.

Rip currents are narrow bands of water in surf zones that flow away from the shore. They can emerge without warning. One minute, you’re swimming in a manageable tide. The next, you’re being pulled out to sea at 5 mph. That’s faster than the most conditioned athletes can swim. It’s terrifying to be caught in a rip current

Grief can feel like an emotional rip current. Your day starts out fine. You’re moving along as planned. And suddenly, bam! You’re swept up in a powerful current of grief.

And, like the unsuspecting swimmer, your first reaction is panic.

How To Prevent Drowning

Safety experts say most swimmers don’t drown from rip currents. They drown because they panic.

The secret to surviving is to stay afloat until you find the end of the rip current. You need to relax and ride along until it loses its power. When it ends, you can then swim back to shore or tread water until help arrives.

It takes strength to make your way through grief, to grab hold of life and let it pull you forward” ~ Patti Davis, writer

The strategies for riding out a rip current will also work for navigating grief.

Don’t fight the current: As soon as you feel the grip of a grief rip current, stop trying to struggle out of it. Focus on your breath. Feel your feet on the ground. Remind yourself that the experience of grief has limits. It never lasts more than a minute or two. Wait for the emotional intensity to subside, then ask yourself “What can I do now to best take care of myself?” That’s your first move back to calmer emotional shores. (I describe a technique for riding out big emotional moments in my post Holding Space for Ourselves).

Call for help: Experts marvel that most drowning victims never call for assistance. They advise swimmers to signal distress by waving one arm and yelling. Likewise, no matter how emotionally resilient you are, you may find you're no match for breathtaking loss. It’s important to ask for a “life preserver” if you need it. A friend to keep you company. Time off from work. A meeting with a mental health professional. Hired help for sorting through your loved one’s possessions. Don’t let yourself drown.

Slowly make your way back to shore: Like a long swim, grief takes a lot out of you physically. You need to take it slow, returning to the normal flow of life.  Once released from a rip current, swimmers should swim diagonally back to shore. It helps them clear the parallel-flowing rip current and prevent being pulled back in. But this also adds distance compared to heading directly back.  They may have to  float or tread water occasionally to reserve stamina.  And if they aren’t strong enough, they need to call for help. With a rip current of grief, manage your strength. Take more time to do daily tasks. Delegate what you can. Sleep more, if necessary.  It’s completely natural to need recovery time after navigating a bout of grief.

Preparing for Treacherous Waters

Outer Banks tourist publications frequently feature articles with safety tips to prevent drowning in a rip current. Locals know it’s in everyone's best interest to educate visitors to potential danger.

If you’re recently bereaved, you can prepare for the inevitable rise of emotional rip currents. Here are some proactive tips you can follow to protect yourself.

Check water conditions: Savvy tourists know to check the local paper for tidal information before wading in. They heed the red flags, flown when risk is high. If you’re struggling through a loss, review your weekly schedule frequently for activities that might trigger your grief (or the companion emotions of anger, guilt, or fear). Can you opt out of tricky activities? Can you take along a friend? Do you have an escape plan for when the current shifts?

Don’t swim alone: If you’re bereaved, it’s important to have people watching out for you. Your instinct may be to isolate. To spend time alone with your thoughts and your hurting heart. And while it’s important to honor these feelings, be sure you’re checking in with others. Friends may see that you’re in danger before you, yourself, realize it. They’ll offer you a flotation device before you ask for it. They’ll dial 9-1-1 when you can’t do it yourself.

Locate the lifeguards: Friends are important, but they aren’t a substitute for experts. A trained lifeguard coaches the swimmer on how to get themselves out of a rip current. Pros know not to wade into the water and drown along with you. Collect some referrals for professionals who can provide expert-level grief support: chaplains, clergy, therapists, expert-led support groups, or grief coaches. You may not need them, but sometimes it’s enough just to know they’re there.

Grief, like rip currents, can be an irresistible force. Knowing that, alone, prepares you for the moments you get caught in it. You learn to recognize it. Respect its power, but rely on its predictable course and ride it out.

After you’ve found your way through a few rip currents of grief, you’ll find you’ve become a much stronger, smarter swimmer.

Disclaimer: I hope my analogy in this piece provided helpful insights on how to care for yourself when you’re grieving. Note that I’m, by no means, an expert in water safety. Please don’t take my advice for navigating literal rip currents. For that, I refer you to this page of an Outer Banks tourist website. If you’re a beachgoer, particularly one who visits the Outer Banks frequently, it’s well worth the read.

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