Since my father’s death last year, I’ve struggled with death anxiety. That is, I have intrusive thoughts about my own and my husband’s death.

I imagine fatal car accidents. Cancer diagnoses. Falls and head injuries.

Last week, as Hurricane Helene moved toward our town, I envisioned trees coming through our bedroom ceiling and striking us dead in our sleep.

In the light of day, these fears seem silly to me.

At night, it’s a different story. Worries grow big and scary in the dark. Sometimes I can banish them with guided meditations designed to induce sleep. More often, I have to get up and distract myself with Golden Girls reruns.

Fortunately, I know this anxiety isn’t caused by some sort of mental breakdown.

I’m know I’m death anxious because I’m grieving.

And grief is weird.

You Aren’t Losing Your Mind

My clients seldom reach out to me because they’re sad.

They reach out because they’re anxious. They fear their developing a mental illness or cognitive decline.

They aren’t themselves. They’re forgetful. Overly emotional.

Organized clients forget meetings and bills. Extroverted ones stop socializing. Introverts fear being alone. Tech-savvy ones fall for internet scams.

Their fears may seem out of control. They lose their tempers with irritating family members of grief-insensitive friends and colleagues.

I always reassure them that they aren’t developing mental health problems.

On the contrary, our resilient brains are adapting. They’re re-wiring in response to the traumatic experience of a loved one’s death.

You are not losing your mind. You are just in the middle of a learning curve. ~ Mary-Frances O'Connor, PhD, bereavement researcher

Death educator and author Stephen Jenkinson compares the trauma of loss to a home invasion. It’s like someone broke into your house and rearranged your furniture.

Nothing works the way it used to. You have to learn to function differently going forward.

This is a glitchy growth process. It will take a toll on you physically and mentally until you get your bearings.

The Unusual is Normal

Your response to your loss will be unique, but there are patterns in how people’s mental states are impacted by grief.

Here are typical challenges that you may experience.

• Forgetfulness: You may lose track of time or dates. You may forget appointments or social commitments. Miss bill payments or get lost driving a familiar route. My clients call this “grief brain,” and sometimes fear it’s a sign of dementia.
• Moodiness: Your moods may be erratic. You may ride a rollercoaster of depression and eery calmness. Silly things may bring tears. Or you may feel overly attached to your loved one’s belongings or have the urge to throw everything away.
• Fearfulness: You may feel highly vulnerable or obsessed with your loved ones’ safety. You may feel helpless about managing life without your loved one. You may feel powerless about the randomness of life and death.
• Internal focus: You may become completely self-focused, unable to recognize or respond to others’ needs. You may ruminate on your loss or tell you story over and over to others or yourself.
• Surreal experiences: You may feel your loved one’s presence sometimes. Or have dreams so vivid, you swear your loved one visited you. You may develop symptoms of physical ailments that your loved one suffered at the end of life.
• Holiday anxiety: You may find yourself anxiously anticipating holidays without your loved one. Or you may find yourself inexplicably sad. Then you remember it's your loved one’s birthday or the week that you typically took a vacation together

These are just a few examples of how grieving affects our thoughts and emotions. Yours may be different.

It’s okay if you’re not yourself after the loss of a loved one. Few of us can escape the weirdness of grief.

But we can find ways to cope with it.

The Serenity Prayer 

The root of much anxiety is our resistance to reality.

We didn’t want our loved one to die. We don’t want to have to change because of their death.

Once you drop your resistance to life as it is, you’ll start to feel better.

The Serenity Prayer can be a useful tool for coping with harsh reality. Made famous through 12-step recovery programs, the prayer’s popularity is a testament to its usefulness.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference. ~ Reinhold Niebuhr, theologian

Lately, I've been using an exercise based on the Serenity Prayer to calm my death anxiety. This exercise comes from The Acceptance and Commitment Therapy Toolbox by Calvin Caulfield.

This simple exercise has four questions:

• What is completely out of my control?
• What can I control or change?
• What am I willing to allow?

What am I committed to doing or changing?

This exercise forces your brain into problem-solving mode. It shifts focus away from your anxious thoughts.

For example, when I was worried about Helene, these were the answers I had for the questions:

• I CAN’T CONTROL the rain or wind or trees.
• I CAN CHANGE where we sleep, and we’ll spend the night on the first floor to put space between us and the roof.
• I am WILLING TO ALLOW that I’m about to have a sleepless night.
• I AM COMMITTED to having our trees inspected and trimmed in the next few months.

I’ve practiced this exercise enough that I can run through these questions if I’m lying awake at night.

But it works better if you write out your answers. Putting commitments in ink makes it more likely that you’ll follow through.

And less likely that this same fear will keep you awake another night.

More Tips for Worry Management

Here are two other tips for managing the weird side of grieving.

First, confess your fears to a good grief companion. Be sure it’s a wise friend who recognizes that out-of-the-ordinary anxiety is par for the course. You don’t want people who worry about you reinforcing your anxiety.

Second, double down on your self-care. Fatigue and hunger fuel anxiety. When you’re anxious, assess whether you’re eating well, getting high quality sleep, and getting daily physical activity.

Be sure you’re spending some time in distraction, too. Relax by watching enjoyable tv shows or working on soothing hobbies.

When To Get Professional Help

If you’re anxiety feels overwhelming and relentless, seek professional help. It’s a form of self-care and self-care needs to be your priority if you’re going to work through grief.

Also, don’t assume physical ailments are caused by your grieving. Schedule a doctor’s appointment to rule out health conditions that need attention.

Take care with alcohol and drugs. Overuse can put you in harm’s way. You can also use these substances to mask the pain of grief, which can impede your healing process.

Bouts of depression and hopelessness are common emotions during grieving. However, if you start making plans to end your life, get help immediately. Ask your doctor for a referral. Call a friend to stay with you until you get professional help,

In the US, you can call or text 988 to reach the national Suicide and Crisis Lifeline.

It’s Grief

Death of a loved one can make you feel crazy. You may wonder if you’ll ever feel like yourself again.

You will.

Dealing with big life changes will make you feel off your game. It doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you.

So, as you grapple with Life 2.0, keep reminding yourself:

I’m okay.

And grief is weird.