Two sisters faced the most traumatic experience of their young adult lives: the death of their beloved mother.*

One spent hours on the phone with family members, crying and sharing memories. Daily life was on hold as she processed intense emotions.

The other rolled up her sleeves and cleared out her mother’s room. With grim determination, she tackled funeral arrangements and outstanding medical bills.

Both felt upset by the other’s reactions.

The first sister shrunk at her sibling’s “cold detachment.” The second was frustrated by her sibling’s “melodrama” when there was so much to do.

“Which one of us is normal?” each asked their friends.

The Myth of Normal Grieving

The answer is, both reactions were normal. The sisters simply had different grieving styles.

In an interview with National Public Radio, Michelle Palmer of the Wendt Center for Loss and Healing described two grief styles: intuitive and instrumental.

Intuitive grievers are those who need to express their emotions. Instrumental grievers, on the other hand, throw themselves into action to cope with their feelings.

Palmer added that the lack of understanding about grief styles leads to much suffering, particularly in bereaved families.

When family members grieve differently from us, we worry that there’s something wrong with them. And we question our own grief process.

Worst of all, we feel estranged from the very people who know us best.

The Long Haul

Palmer’s point is reassuring. It helps us understand differences in our own and others’ grieving process.

But, as always, categories are limiting. No one’s process matches either style exclusively.

In my experience, people turn to their most comfortable coping mechanisms during the initial shock of grief.

But bereavement is a long haul. As the shock wears off, our tried-and-true coping strategies eventually fail us.

Researcher George Bonanno has extensively studied resiliency in people suffering from trauma and loss. His work gives us insight into working through grief effectively and quickly.

He discovered three common strategies used by resilient grievers: believing they’ll eventually get better; using a repertoire of coping strategies; and assessing the usefulness of their strategies and dropping any that don’t work

Building Belief in Getting Better

Resilient grievers build faith in their own recovery from loss.

That belief can feel out of reach at first. So resilient grievers find ways to build their faith.

Mindfulness practices help. These techniques tune us into the physical sensations of our emotions and teach us that our emotions change constantly.

Grief may begin as a surge of physical pain, but it doesn’t stay at peak intensity for long. Tension can be broken by a good cry. Sharing memories of your loved one touches deep joy.

If you pay attention, you find you have longer and longer stretches of feeling okay. And good moments start happening more often.

That’s what getting better feels like.

Resilient grievers also lean on their “self-serving” bias.

Most of us have this bias, which is the belief that we’re above average in everything.

When we apply the “better-than-average” bias to coping with grief.

We remind ourselves that we’ve survived other tough times. Loss is a way of life. Even desirable life transitions, such as changing jobs or getting married, require a degree of loss and letting go.

Our memories become evidence that we’ve survived dark days in our past. That boosts our confidence that we can do it again.

A Repertoire of Coping Strategies 

Resilient grievers do whatever it takes to get through their experience.

in The Other Side of Sadness, Bonanno called it “coping ugly.” For instance, grievers may turn to complaining; seeking out information, self-pity; wishful thinking, emotional flexibility (alternatively expressing and suppressing emotions), joking and humor, distractions, or amusement, or blaming others.

Some strategies might be worrisome, such as self-isolating or finding comfort in food, alcohol, or sex. But Bonanno argues that such strategies are fair game in learning to live with loss, as long as they’re used sparingly and pose no harm to us or others.

It’s a matter of doing “anything that gets you through the night,” he wrote.

Ditching Strategies that Don’t Serve You

Resilient grievers assess their coping strategies and drop those that don’t support their healing process.

For example, you may realize that your grief support group doesn’t actually serve you. So, you seek out another group.

Maybe you figure out that long afternoon naps lead to wakeful nights full of anxiety and rumination. So, you substitute naps with afternoon walks.

Resilient grievers also shift their coping strategies as their healing progresses. They recognize that their needs change over time and drop strategies that hold them back.

This ability to evolve our grief-coping methods is at the heart of self-healing.

A Message to the Team

If we’re supporting bereaved friends, we have to remind ourselves: they won’t be themselves for a long while.

They may be emotionally unpredictable. Forgetful. Unreliable. Unproductive. Antisocial.

Their out-of-character behavior may alarm us. We read it as a sign of danger. We wonder, will they ever truly be okay again?

Of course, it’s important to intervene if a grieving person is engaging in dangerous substance abuse or threatening self-harm or suicide. If you’re truly worried about your friend’s life, get expert help, such as through a crisis organization like the US-based 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline.

However, worrying about our friends never helps them.

What does help is our confidence in them. Our unflappable belief that their hearts will mend, and they’ll learn to thrive again. And our steadfast companionship as they work their way out of the Shadowlands.

Wired for Resilience             

If you’re grieving right now, your chances of healing are excellent.

As Bonanno wrote, “Not everyone manages well, but most of us do.”

Grief recovery is the norm. The average person moves through bereavement and learns to thrive after a significant loss.

And, as you now know, you and the rest of us are all above average.

*This story is hypothetical but based on experiences of various friends and clients.

Sources:

• The End of Trauma by George Bonanno, 2019, Basic Books.
• The Other Side of Sadness by George Bonanno, 2021, Basic Books.

NOTE:  It’s important for friends to allow grievers to find their own coping styles, but if you’re concerned a bereaved family member is in crisis or contemplating self-harm and you aren’t sure what to do, reach out to the  988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline  They can be reached  24 hours a day by dialing 988.

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