We woke up to the news on National Public Radio.

My half-asleep husband groaned, “Oh, no!”

“Yeah,” I said, “that’s gonna be a rough one.”

Singer Jimmy Buffett had passed away at age 76 of a rare form of skin cancer. He died peacefully surrounded by family, friends, music, and dogs.

Americans had lost our Poet of Paradise.

It was going to be a weepy Labor Day weekend.

Real Grief for Mythical Humans

It’s a gut punch when one of our beloved celebrities dies.

It's perplexing. How can the loss of someone we never met feel as bad as losing a friend?

But grief for beloved stars is real and it has a name: parasocial grief.

“Parasocial” refers to the fact that our relationship is one-sided. We know a lot about them. They don’t know we exist.

Grieving our beloved celebrities makes sense when you understand how humans form attachments, wrote neuroscientist Mary-Frances O’Connor, in her book The Grieving Brain.

Our online, hyper-connected world is the perfect set-up to make us feel bonded to our favorite stars.

“People are represented in the virtual reality of our brains and celebrities have fleshed out lives in our minds,” wrote neuroscientist Mary-Frances O’Connor, author of The Grieving Brain.

O’Connor said we get attached to people we like and believe we know intimately.

I’ve listened to his music my whole life. When you’re depressed, when it’s winter, and you need the sun, you turn on Jimmy Buffett. – Jody Tuso-Key, fan talking to the Atlanta Journal Constitution, "Parrotheads Mourn ‘Man and His Music'"

Famous people open their lives to us through social media. Fans know where they were born. Their favorite restaurants. The paint color of their bedrooms. We may know more facts about our beloved celebrities than we do about our siblings.

And we get attached to people who are easily accessible to us. A few taps on your mobile phone and you can hear your favorite star’s voice through podcasts, recorded performances, and television interviews.

And a third component, said O’Connor, is that we perceive them as special. They are more than talented and charismatic. They stand for things we believe are important. They inspired us.

So, when a favorite star passes, your world changes.

And unwanted change causes grief.

Real Grief Calls for Real Mourning

The good news is, parasocial grief seldom is prolonged. It usually fades in a couple of days.

And I think parasocial grief brings some opportunities you might not want to miss.

It's a fine time to immerse yourself in memories of your famous person and how they contributed to your life. Indulge in their work. Read Internet write-ups about them. Attend a tribute concert. Swap memories with other fans. 

Give money to their favorite causes or foundations. (I love to think of Betty White beaming down each time a fan donates to a pet rescue organization in her name.)

And if you really want to learn from your loss, here’s an exercise that will give you insight abour yourself.

What Would Jimmy Buffett Do?

We cope with the death of loved ones by reflecting on what their lives meant to us. 

In terms of celebrities, we chose them to be our role models. From our perspective, they lived in ways that we admired. 

If you spend time reflecting on what you loved about them, you bring into focus how you believe you should live.

A simple reflection exercise it to take a moment and list all the things you loved about the celebrity.

This list reflects qualities you value. They align with the standards you hold for yourself.

Chances are, some of those qualities come easily for you. Others may be hard for you to achieve.

But you do have the potential. You just need practice.

In honor of your famous person’s death, why not practice over the next couple of weeks?

For instance, I admired how Jimmy Buffett made people feel welcomed. He engaged them with jokes and stories. He made sure to play their favorite hits at every event. His songs were easy to sing, and he got fans on their feet, singing and dancing with this Coral Reefers Band.

You know, people say to me, how in the hell can you play Margaritaville for the 257,000th time? And it’s because I watch the crowd. And it, -- you know, it’s their song. It’s not mine. I’m just singing. ~ Jimmy Buffett in an interview with Bob Edwards in a 1999 interview for NPR.

I wish I were better at that easygoing Jimmy Buffett hospitality. It just doesn't come easily to my introverted self.

But if I take my own words to heart, I have to assume my potential is there.

So, in the coming week, I’m going to seek more opportunities to be friendly to people I don’t know well.

Rest assured: I won’t be singing Margaritaville in a dive bar. But the next time I see that guy walking his greyhound near my house, I'll say something and see if I can make him smile.

Proper Good-Byes

I know there are people out there who aren’t Buffett fans. He didn’t draw a particularly multicultural crowd. Some criticized him for being a billionaire masquerading as a beach bum. And Jimmy was a highly successful entrepreneur, so you know he probably had a few skeletons in his closet from his wheeling-and-dealing days.

Listen, I’m not saying to sugarcoat the lives of the famous people. They had clay feet.

In fact, we can learn much about ourselves by reflecting on what we hate about celebrities. They serve as mirrors for our good and bad qualities.

But that’s for another time and a different post.

It usually doesn’t serve us to dwell in the shadow side of our beloved famous people right after they have passed.

If you’re a Parrothead, I invite you to full-on mourn his passing with me.

If you aren’t, then tuck this post away. Sooner or later, someone you admire will die.

And when they do, go ahead, and indulge your memories. Reconnect with their work. Commiserate with other fans about your loss.

And, for the next week, let your memories of them inspire you to be a little bit more of who you want to be.

"Some of it’s magic, and some of it’s tragic, but I had a good life all the way.”

From He Went to Paris

RIP Jimmy Buffett

December 25, 1945 - September 1, 2023

Got Questions about Grief Coaching?

Struggling over the death of a loved one? Grief coaching can teach you coping skills to get you through the worst of it more quickly and forward into a hopeful future. 

My coaching uses proven methods for helping people adapt to life after loss. You’ll learn exactly how to work with intense emotions, so they cause you less suffering. You’ll know how to recognize your own healing progress, giving you hope that life can feel easier again. Grief coaching also helps you get clearer on what matters most to you. You’ll start to recreate a life after loss that truly feels worth living.

Rather connect through email? Send your questions to cindy@shadowlandscoaching.com.

Get A Griever's Guide to the Shadowlands of Loss