Is my grief normal?

One of the worst things about grief is worrying about the way you’re grieving.

In fact, that concern is one of the top five causes of suffering for bereaved people.

“What if I get stuck in grief?”

“What if I can’t figure out how to feel better?”

“What if I get sick? What if grief kills me?”

So, let’s talk a minute about all the different “normal” symptoms of grief.

It’s normal to feel physical pain when thinking of a loved one, especially soon after they’ve died.

It’s normal to have trouble sleeping. Or to sleep more than usual.

It’s normal to forget things and lose things. It doesn’t mean you have cognitive decline. It means you’re distracted by the strangeness of life without your loved one.

It’s normal to miss your loved one for a long time.

It’s normal for your moods to shift so much, that you sometimes forget you’re sad. You’ll have a few good hours. A few good days. A good week or even a month at a stretch. And then, you suddenly come undone at the grocery store when you notice their favorite cookies are on sale.

It’s normal not to cry much after they die, particularly if their dying took place over months or years. Your anticipatory grief may have prepared you somewhat for their passing.

And it’s also normal to feel stuck and wonder what to do to move forward. To reach out for help from medical and mental health providers to help you even begin to face your loss.

Your grief will unfold exactly as it should for you. And there are always ways to support yourself through the experience.

Compassionate self-talk and self-care are two of them.

Compassionate Self Talk

I’ve witnessed many shades of grief.

I’ve spent hours talking with grieving friends and clients. I’ve read many accounts of grief shared by bereaved people and therapists who work with them. I’ve read reviews of the surprisingly extensive research findings around grief and healing.

I believe each of us grieves in our own way. And we grieve differently for different people in our lives.

But as much as I say that your grief is normal, it’s more convincing if you can tell yourself.

That’s why compassionate self-talk is one of the best skills for helping you adapt to a major loss.

Compassionate self-talk refers to the soothing and validating chats you have with yourself when emotions overwhelm you.

Now, it’s a tricky skill. You have to find the right tone of inner voice.

That’s because we live in a get-right-back-on-the-horse culture that extends to our attitudes about grieving. We expect to resolve the ending of a long, deep relationship in three days, which is the length of typical bereavement leave (if you’re lucky to have any at all).

So, our self-talk takes on a “snap out of it” edge that triggers resistance. And resistance is the opposite of soothing.

Or maybe we take on a cool, rational tone.

“Look,” we say to ourselves. “At least our loved one is no longer suffering. At least we had no unfinished business. At least they’re in a better place. At least….”

This line of argument never brings relief because it misses the main point: Grief isn’t about our loved ones’ death. It’s about our loss. It’s about missing them at every turn.

I thought I could describe a state; make a map of sorrow. Sorrow, however, turns out to be not a state but a process. ~ C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed

Compassionate self-talk needs to acknowledge the painful thoughts and feelings, then normalize them.

Of course, I’m sad. I feel like I’m all alone now that both of my parents have passed.

Of course, I’m frustrated. I have to take on chores that I have no idea how to tackle.

Of course, I’m angry. I can’t help feeling that if she’d just gone to the doctor sooner, she’d still be here.

Sometimes, it helps to underscore your compassion for yourself by gently placing your hands over your heart.

(Go ahead and try it now. See how good it feels.)

With compassionate self-talk, you bring to the surface all the thoughts that fuel suffering. And you remind yourself why it makes perfect sense to have those thoughts.

Examining those thoughts usually sheds light on assumptions that simply aren’t true.

You can remind yourself that, while your parents have passed, you really aren’t alone. That you can learn or find someone to help you do “all the things.” And that an earlier doctor’s visit never would have guaranteed your loved one’s survival.

If you take time to engage with your thoughts, you’ll find it discharges some of your distress. You’ll feel yourself shift into a calmer state.

At that point, you’re ready to ask, “What can I do to feel better right now?”

That’s your cue to engage in compassionate self-care.

Compassionate Self Care

Does the phrase “self-care” make you roll your eyes?

I’m right there with you. It suggests bougie treatments promoted in women’s magazines and ads for strip mall health spas.

That’s not what I’m talking about.

I’m talking about coping strategies. You need your own unique list of ways to support yourself.

“Every great loss demands that we choose life again. We need to grieve in order to do this. ~ Rachel Naomi Remen, physician and writer

And that list should consist of strategies for both deep grieving and distraction.

Here’s a list of coping strategies that many bereaved people find helpful:

Talking to others about your grief.

Following familiar daily routines and schedules.

Expressing your feelings through writing or art.

Writing or talking to your loved one, especially expressing thoughts and feelings you never got to say before they died.

Creating a memorial altar of mementos that remind you of them and allow you to feel connected to them.

Making a memory scrapbook.

Engaging in activities that force you to focus on the present. Learn something new. Solve a problem or a puzzle. Play a challenging game.

Moving your body. Exercise hard if it helps. Go easier if you need to. Walk, if that feels best. Yoga has a double advantage of moving the body and tapping into mindfulness.

Finding ways to honor your loved one’s memory. Give some money or time to a cause they loved. Take care of someone they cared about. Give their belongings to someone you know who will use them.

Resilient Grieving

Compassionate self-talk and self-care are two activities that characterize resilient grieving. It’s an approach to bereavement where you engage with your grief to alleviate some of your suffering.

However, I use the term with caution.

The word resilience is having its moment in the self-help world.

In some circles, it’s defined as a speedy bounce-back from devastating challenges and recovering well from adversity. “Speedy” and “well” are loaded words that imply there’s a “right way” to recover from loss.

There’s an expectation, too, that you rely on your own wherewithal to transcend your grief.

Don’t believe any of that nonsense.

The loss of a loved one may be the hardest thing you’ll face in your entire life.

You need time. Lots of it.

Time to drop out of the forward flow of life and do the deep work of grieving. To feel your feelings. Reflect on the life you’ve lost. Honor your loved one and your relationship with them.

You need good grief companions. They help hold your grief. They bear witness to your mourning. They make you feel less alone as you adapt to life without your beloved.

You may even need some expert support to get you past the hardest parts of grief.

Resilience, as I see it, is relying on all the resources you have available to get through a very hard experience.

Compassionate self-talk and self-care are two such practices that you can lean on.

Take care of yourself. Let others take care of you.

You’re in my heart.

Wondering if Grief Coaching Can Help?

Compassionate self-talk and self-care are wonderful tools for working through grief. But it can help to have a coach learn how to develop those skills and use them regularly. I help my clients learn proven methods for the hardest parts of grief more quickly. If you'd like to know more, let's chat. I'll fill you in on the proven methods I use to help my clients work through grief and move forward into their new chapter of life.

Not up for a call? Drop me a note at cindy@shadowlandscoaching.com