I adopted Dashiell when I was in grad school. He was my ride-or-die. My constant and closest companion. This terrier mutt got me through long semesters, all-nighters, and lonely weekends.

When I graduated, Dashiell and I moved cross country to my first professional job. In the beginning, he was my only true friend in the Shenandoah Valley.

But soon after we moved, my cheeky pup developed lymphoma and declined rapidly. Within a few weeks, I had to make the humane but heartbreaking decision to put him to sleep.

It was the hardest thing I’d faced at that point in my life.

Pets understand humans better than humans do. ~ Ruchi Prabhu, writer

Experts tell us that the death of a pet is like losing a family member.

Pet lovers say the pet’s death IS LOSING A FAMILY MEMBER!

Pet Grief is Real. And Really Hard

Sometimes, the loss of a pet feels more intense than losing a human loved one. Mental health counselor Lisa Hutchinson wrote that the intensity of our grief is strongly correlated with our level of attachment to our loved ones. [1]

Attachment describes the degree to which we trust someone to be there for us and feel committed to being there for them. There are qualities in the human-pet relationship that nurture an attachment that’s stronger than Gorilla Glue:

• Pets’ love is uncomplicated. They don’t judge us or bear a grudge. They never get disappointed in us. They don’t shun us for political or religious views. All a pet needs from their humans are food, protection, and attention. That’s what it takes to make them a friend for life.
• They make us healthier and happier. Companion pets are the ultimate wellness coaches. Dogs lead us outdoors for exercise, fresh air, and sunshine. Cats model best practices in rest, relaxation, and play. They buffer older adults from two of the deadliest conditions of aging: loneliness and isolation.
• They make us friendlier. Our pets help us connect with other humans. We seem to let down our guard when friendly pets are around. If you’re like me, you know the neighborhood dogs’ names well before you know the names of their humans.
• They need us. Humans are primed to care for others. Pets fill that need. It’s not surprising that single people and childless couples treat their pets as surrogate children.
• They add order to our lives. Humans thrive on routine. No matter how chaotic life gets, your pet needs food, water, and exercise. They force us onto a schedule when life goes off the rails.
• They companion us through the hard times. When life breaks your heart, pets are a steady, grounded presence that you can rely on. They’re with us through births, moves, empty nests, and deaths.
• Pets help you get through grief. Pets are particularly good at supporting us through our saddest times. They don’t need you to get better for them. They just need you to make room on the couch.

It’s hard to overestimate what pets bring to our lives. And it explains why we have such a hard time when they leave us.

Anticipatory Grief, Anxiety, Guilt

As vet care advances, our pets live longer. Which means their end of life can stretch out indefinitely. We’re often forced to decide when it’s time to release them from their suffering.

Our watchful waiting ushers in anticipatory grief, which arises when we imagine losing a loved one in the future.

Intense anxiety gets added to grief when the question of euthanasia comes up. I believe it’s a blessing that we have the option to end their suffering. I just don't like having to play God by deciding when their time should end.

When my old cat Ezra’s kidneys were failing, I was fortunate to have a vet with the heart of an end-of-life doula. Dr. Bahr could speak compassionately about both my cat’s suffering and my grief.

“In my experience, people feel guilty no matter what,” she said. “People either feel guilty for putting their pets to sleep too soon or for making them endure suffering for so long. You can’t wait until the time feels right because it will never feel right.”

Instead, she directed me to this Pet Quality-of-Life Scale. This tool helped me understand my cat’s discomfort and make my decision based on his needs rather than my emotional state.

And, after he passed, I revisited this scale to ease any lingering guilt I had about my decision.

Getting Through Pet Grief

Another thing that makes a pet’s death so difficult is that it isn’t socially recognized as a “real” loss. You won’t get bereavement leave. Or sympathy cards.

(Unless you have an awesome vet. God bless you, Dr. Lane, wherever you are.)

When you lose a parent, you’re told you can grieve for a year. But when you lose a pet, you’re lucky if you get the day off from work. ~ Bruce McCulloch, storyteller, Moth Radio Hour (July 7, 2023)

So, your first step is for YOU to recognize that your grief is normal and worthy of attention. Then, you can allow yourself to mourn.

Grief work is the same whether you’re grieving a pet or a human:

• Find good grief companions. While “society” may not recognize your loss, other pet lovers will. And you are surrounded by them. Your main job is to find good grief companions in the pet community. (You might want to read my post about the characteristics of a good grief companion
• Share stories. Take time to share stories about your pet with others who knew them. You’ll be surprised how many people feel connected to your pet. Family, neighbors, vets, pet sitters, groomers. The pet community is full of big-hearted people, and they’ll all feel a pang of sadness along with you.
• Work through all the feelings. Loss surfaces a lot of other emotions and the best way to cope with them is to feel them. With pet loss, guilt can be a particularly difficult emotion to resolve. They depend completely on us to stay alive, so it’s easy to feel as though we failed them. Sometimes acknowledging the emotion and recognizing it’s a normal reaction is enough to ease your pain. If you have trouble resolving anger and guilt, you might want to seek the support of a professional who can help you work through your feelings.
• Be patient. Grief is a distracting and unpredictable emotion. As with the loss of a human, it’s going to take time to work through it.

If you’d like to know more about getting through the worst of grief more quickly, check out my blog post Getting to the Other Side of Grief.

Where to Turn for Support

You and I both know that some people won’t get your intense sadness over your pet’s death.

Don’t give them a thought. Other than to pity them for never knowing the love of a companion creature.

Instead, reach out to people who do understand. Because you are literally surrounded by them.

In 2022, 66% of US households have at least one pet in 2022. And more than 74% of American pet guardians see their pets as members of their family.

Your vet may know of pet grief support groups. A simple Google search on pet loss support will turn up hotlines, and forums.

You also can check out The Rainbow Bridge, is a website with all types of pet bereavement support services. . The website includes a list of several hotlines hosted by veterinarian schools around the US.

Don’t Suffer Needlessly

If you find you can’t shake your sadness and yearning for your pet, consider consulting a grief-informed professional like a counselor or grief coach. We can validate your emotions and help you get through the worst part of loss more quickly.

Rest assured, none of us question your experience and need for support.

Many of us, after all, have lived with and lost our own dear pets.

Take care of yourself. And take care of your people who’ve lost pets.

You’re in my heart.

[1] You can read Lisa Hutchinson’s article Coping with People Who Don’t Understand Pet Grief at Centering.org

My coaching uses proven methods for helping people adapt to life after loss. You’ll learn exactly how to work with intense emotions, so they cause you less suffering. You’ll know how to recognize your own healing progress, giving you hope that life can feel easier again. Grief coaching also helps you get clearer on what matters most to you. You’ll start to recreate a life after loss that truly feels worth living.

Rather connect through email? Send your questions to cindy@shadowlandscoaching.com.