Anxiety and grief show up hand-in-hand after a loved one dies.
You aren’t sure your grief is normal.
You worry that you’ll grieve incorrectly and end up physically ill.
You can’t imagine how life can work without your loved one in it.
Worst of all, everyone keeps saying, “you’ll never get over your loved one’s death. You just get used to the grief.”
Does that mean you’ll feel this awful for the rest of your life?
The answer is NO!
Grief and loss are two different things. They tend to be a package deal, but they aren’t the same thing.
Loss is forever. Grief is not.
It’s true that your life will never go back to what you were used to. Losing someone close to you starts a major life transition. Like all transitions, it requires you to adapt.
All humans are built to adapt. Including you.
Grief, on the other hand, is an emotion that arises when you need it. Like all emotions, it calls our attention to important changes that require an adjustment to our ways of thinking and being.
Grief’s job is to kickstart you into self- reflection and conversations with others that start your healing process.
If you respond to grief’s call to action, you’ll start to feel better.
Rest assured that whatever you’re experiencing is normal. And you don’t have to stay stuck in this feeling forever.
The secret to getting to the other side of grief is to engage with it.
Resilient Healing
Granted, you probably have no earthly idea what “engaging with grief” means.
That’s because grief, like death, happens behind closed doors. Except for funerals and celebrations of life, people are expected to grieve privately.
Resilient grieving is about being proactive in your grief process. It's about letting yourself cry and mourn but also taking a look at your coping methods and earnestly beginning to reshape your life ~ Claire Bidwell Smith, Anxiety: The Missing State of Grief
But grief researchers and practitioners do get to observe lots of people’s grief recovery processes. We know a lot from their work about what helps bereaved people get through the worst of grief relatively quickly.
Grief therapist Claire Bidwell Smith calls these practices resilient healing.
The process is explained in a framework called The Four Tasks of Mourning, created by psychologist JW Worden. The four tasks apply to adapting to a loved one’s death and other difficult changes, including divorce, job loss, moving, loss of health, or a loved one’s life-altering illness.
It’s important to emphasize that these are tasks, not stages. People don’t progress through them in any particular order. You may work through the tasks simultaneously. You may cycle back to a task multiple times before you feel complete. It’s normal to find yourself revisiting the tasks on and off for years.
Task 1: Accept the reality of the loss. Our initial reaction to a loved one’s death is shock, even when death is expected.
We may initially feel numb. Our minds grasp the new reality, but our hearts take a while to catch up. That’s why you may not cry for a while after your loved one passes.
This is the mind’s way of buffering us from being overwhelmed by an emotional tsunami.
As the reality of your loved one’s death settles in, the pain of that reality may become quite intense. It’s important to know how to tolerate the pain as it surfaces. Repression will only prolong your healing process.
What helps:
- Use visualizations of dropping resistance to intense emotions so they can subside naturally and more quickly.
- Use encouraging self-talk to support yourself through grief bursts.
- “Affect-dose” by balancing periods of intense emotions with deliberate distraction.
- Spend time with people who can listen to your grief without trying to fix it.
- Take life at a slower pace. Cut your to-do list to a bare minimum. Give yourself extra time to complete tasks. Ask and accept help.
- Practice good self-care. Eat well. Sleep as much as you need to. Exercise gently.
- Spend time in wide open spaces. Big skies, oceans, and mountain ranges provide an expansive feeling that seems to soothe the intensity of grief.
Task 2: Experience the pain of loss. Along with grief, you may struggle with bouts of anger, fear, anxiety, guilt, or shame. A relationship review is a proven method that helps you face your loss and begin the healing process.
By spending time with your memories, you create a cohesive story of your life with your loved one. Accuracy is important. You must include the good, the bad, and the ugly. You also need to express to your loved one everything that lingers in your heart.
After your story is complete, it helps to take symbolic action that allows you to experience an honoring and release of a phase of life that no longer exists. Rituals transition you into forming a new type of relationship with your loved one and prepare to face life after loss.
What helps:
- Write out a chronological relationship history, so you see the ups and downs you lived through during the course of your relationship.
- Talk with trustworthy people who are willing to go deep with you into your memories.
- Express your grief creatively through art, music, and writing.
- Write a letter to your loved one, saying everything you didn’t get to say while they were alive: regrets, forgiveness, appreciation, and love. Read it out loud to a trusted listener.
- Engage in rituals or meditations that help you let go of the past.
You must get it out...Grief shared is grief abated. Tell your tale, because it reinforces that your loss mattered. ~ Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, psychiatrist and near-death researcher
Task 3: Adjust to a world without your loved one. Everything shifts after a major loss: responsibilities, finances, living circumstances. You must learn new skills and take on new responsibilities. Create new routines. Find new friends and social circles.
You even have to adjust to a new identity: who are you now without your life partner? Your parents or sibling? Your soulmate? Even your relationship to God and your spiritual beliefs may change.
Be prepared: this task can take a while!
What helps:
- Establish routines and schedule. The structure adds a sense of normalcy to a chaotic time.
- Reconnect with your values by asking yourself: How do I like to care, connect, and contribute to family and community? Our values are relatively stable throughout our lifetime. Consciously revisiting them can make you feel more like yourself again.
- Build a network of trusted friends and family members to help you navigate this major life change.
- Hone your problem-solving skills to face new challenges and build confidence.
- Start taking small risks and celebrate your wins.
- Experiment with new interests or experiences to expand your activities and social circles.
- Explore your urges to make changes but go slow on taking action. Grief experts recommend waiting a year before making big moves that can’t easily be reversed
Task 4: Find an enduring connection with your loved one while moving forward with a new life. You don’t have to forget your loved one to restart your life. In fact, resilient people use the grieving process to create new relationships with their loved ones.
What helps:
- Visit and share memories with others who knew your loved one.
- Keep well-chosen photos and belongings of theirs.
- Visit locations that you enjoyed together.
- Conduct acts of charity on their behalf
- Hold rituals on significant days, like your loved one’s birthday or your anniversary. These rituals can be simple ones done privately or well-planned events with other people.
The Practices of Mourning
There are four main activities that help you complete the tasks of mourning.
- Self-reflection. Spend time with your memories of your loved one, especially through writing or other forms of self-expression.
- Good grief companions: Spend time with friends who have open hearts and grounded temperaments. They can help you work through the mourning tasks.
- Rituals. Rituals are a set of symbolic acts performed in a certain way and order. Their structure creates a safe space for expressing emotions. When conducted in community, rituals also connect the grievers as they honor and release the person who died. The healing power of rituals feels magical.
Don’t Grieve Alone
I know this post presents a daunting description of grief work.
There’s no sugar-coating it. Grief is hard. It takes time and attention.
These practices work, but it’s much easier if you have support from others.
Humans are not meant to grieve alone. As grief expert David Kessler wrote, we need people to spend time with us, people to distract us, and people to go deep with us.
I hope you have wise, empathetic friends to walk with you through the Shadowlands of grief.
If not, or if you’re reluctant to reach out to them, consider working with a grief coach or counselor. We know the techniques for working through grief. We specialize in helping you develop skills and a mindset to adapt well to life after loss.
Working with a professional also allows you some privacy and support for the long haul.
Ask yourself: Is the state you’re in, over time, serving life? Is it helping you be present while you’re still here? ~ BJ Miller, hospice and palliative care expert.
You don’t have to passively endure grief.
You can take your own healing into your own hands. And you can find your way forward to a future full of purpose, joy, and loving connection with family and friends.
It starts by engaging with grief.
Sources:
Anxiety, The Missing Stage of Grief by Claire Bidwell Smith, 2018.
Grief counseling and grief therapy: A handbook for the mental health practitioner (5th edition) by J.W. Worden, 2018.
Other Shadowlands blog posts about resilient healing:
Want support getting through a big loss?
My coaching uses proven methods for helping people adapt to life after loss. You’ll learn exactly how to work with intense emotions, so they cause you less suffering. You’ll know how to recognize your own healing progress, giving you hope that life can feel easier again. Grief coaching also helps you get clearer on what matters most to you. You’ll start to recreate a life after loss that truly feels worth living.
Rather connect through email? Drop me an email at cindy@shadowlandscoaching.com.
Have you recently lost someone dear to you? Or are you worried about someone who has? Download your free copy of A Griever's Guide to The Shadowlands of Loss. It covers some key elements to grieving and a few helpful strategies that can ease your experience of grief.
You will be added to my email list to receive these blog posts directly in your email box, along with notices of my webinars or other offers. You can unsubscribe at any time.
