I strolled along my favorite beach. One I knew like the back of my hand.

My family vacationed here every summer when I was growing up. Now, years later, my husband and I joined my family and close friends for a reunion at this beloved spot. I loved them all, but I needed my alone time.

The seaside development had changed dramatically since I’d last been there. But once you cleared the dune, it was the same familiar Atlantic Ocean, with its choppy waves and white caps. And that same stretch of sand, with the old fishing pier to the south and a wide-open horizon to the north.

The sun had disappeared. It was time to head back.

I paused, searching the dune for the concrete path that led back to the beach house.

Suddenly, I felt disoriented. My heart started to beat faster. My breath got shallower.

Where was the path?

I froze.

My mind uttered reassurances:

It’s okay. We aren’t lost. We don’t need the path to find our way back. Just climb up and take a look. The house has to be within a block or two from here. WE ARE NOT LOST.

But my agitated nervous system wasn’t having it. I could not shake the mounting anxiety.

And then, I heard my mother calling me.

She was standing on the path that, a moment before, had been invisible to me.

A master-level worrier, Mom had come looking for me. As soon as I heard her voice, I relaxed. I felt safe again.

My mother’s presence succeeded where my mind failed.

The Fearfulness of Grief

When someone dear to you dies, it can make you feel utterly lost.

You tell yourself it’s an irrational feeling.

How can I be lost?  I have the same job. Live in the same house. Have the same friends and family. I drive the same roads to work, church, medical appointments, and fitness center.

But your nervous system knows better.

It knows that the death of someone you loved changes everything.

No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. ~ CS Lewis, A Grief Observed

You look around at a world full of people, going about their daily lives as though nothing happened.  And you think, I don’t fit here anymore.

It’s why loss can make us feel profoundly isolated and lonely.

And you can’t reason yourself back to a sense of safety.

You need people around you to reassure you. People who can sit with you and listen to your pain. People whose presence reminds you that you aren’t alone.

That you’re still here, even though it doesn’t feel like it.

Humans Aren’t Meant to Grieve Alone

You don’t need just anyone for good grief support, though. You need people with either experience or an intuitive understanding of how to support you.

According to grief expert David Kessler, good grief companions can:

• Listen to you:  When you’re grieving, you need someone to hear your pain. Witness your reactions to your loss. They talk as little as possible, knowing that the thing you need most is their steady presence.
• Go deep with you: The storm of grief dredges up a lot of muck. Memories attached to guilt or anger. Thoughts and feelings you don’t want to admit to anyone, including yourself. You need confidants who won’t flinch at anything you need to share.
• Distract you: Healing from grief is a dance. Moments of leaning into intense emotions. Moments of losing yourself in distractions. Sometimes, your grief companions will know you simply need company. And they’ll be all in.

Friends like this are more valuable than gold. It’s their mix of patience and faith in you that will help you find your way through a devastating loss.

Just Ask

I know it can be hard to ask for support from others, even close friends. It feels like we’re putting people out with our need for solace.

And it’s no wonder we feel this way!

Dying happens out of sight. At best, only close family members and, maybe, a health care worker, witness the death of loved ones. So, it’s no wonder many of us assume grieving also should happen behind closed doors.

As a result, we may have bought into some widespread myths about needing grief support:

• Myth: I can’t impose on my friends. Trust me on this: Your compassionate friends want to take care of you. They’re waiting for you to ask.
• Myth: I said no or canceled too many times to ask for their company now.  Your grief companions likely have been in your shoes. They know you have limited time, focus and energy after a loved one’s death. They’re with you for the long haul and will adapt to your needs.  
• Myth: I should be able to rely on immediate family for grief support. Not so, if the other family members are suffering as much as you are. You need the steadier support of those who are a few steps removed from the loss.  
• I don’t even know what I need, so I can’t ask: It’s perfectly valid to need someone to come and do nothing with you. Sometimes their presence is what you need most.

I wish this for you: to find the people you belong with, the ones who will see your pain, companion you, hold you close, even as the heavy lifting of grief is yours alone ~ Megan Devine, It's Okay That You're Not Okay

You also may feel like you’ve tried to ask for help and got burned. It’s a fact that some people have no idea how to handle another person’s grief. It’s going to happen.

But please, don’t give up. Loss is a universal experience. Many people have gone through life-changing loss and have become deeply compassionate as a result of it.

Once they know you’re ready for their support, they’ll come through. You just need to give them a sign that you’re ready.

When You Need Extra Support

We need our community when we’re grieving. But sometimes, we may need or want someone professionally trained to walk us through grief.

Maybe you’re more comfortable talking with someone outside your social circles. Or maybe you believe you’ll progress faster with someone with special training or experience in the grief process. Perhaps you want to a reliable schedule for working through your experience. Or you want the perspective of someone outside your intimate social circles.

Grief support groups are one option. Check out local hospices, community centers, or faith-based organizations for such groups. It may take a few tries to find one you resonate with. Groups have their own personalities, so it may take a while to find the right fit.  If you want more personal and individualized support, consider working with a grief coach like me.

Sometimes, your loss is so traumatic or complicated, it’s best to work with a grief-informed therapist. Please seek therapy if you suffer from any of the following:

• Thoughts of harming yourself or others
• Feeling emotionally numb or paralyzed
• Symptoms of depression, such as overwhelming guilt, unworthiness, or low self-esteem
• Inability to keep up with daily living or work responsibilities, particularly if several months have passed since your loved one’s death
• Engaging in addictions or other harmful distractions to avoid facing your pain
• Don’t ever give up on feeling better. And recognize that feeling better almost always involved having trusted others around you who can listen and support you.

When you lose a loved one, people around you will say “be sure to take care of yourself.”

The best self-care is to let others care for you.

Don’t grieve alone.

Want support getting through a big loss?

My coaching uses proven methods for helping people adapt to life after loss. You’ll learn exactly how to work with intense emotions, so they cause you less suffering. You’ll know how to recognize your own healing progress, giving you hope that life can feel easier again. Grief coaching also helps you get clearer on what matters most to you. You’ll start to recreate a life after loss that truly feels worth living.

Rather connect through email? Drop me an email at cindy@shadowlandscoaching.com.

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