In the Northern Hemisphere, there are 20 winter holidays spanning from October to February. Light plays an important role in most of them.

Candles. Menorahs. Strings of twinkle lights or colored bulbs. Luminarias. Santa Lucia’s flaming crown.

During the summer, we could take daylight for granted, as it stretches out toward midnight.

But when winter comes, and nights seem endless. we make our own light. 

When Winter is Darker Than Usual

Yet many of us have trouble igniting our holiday spirit. 

For some of us, it’s the first winter holidays without certain loved ones. For others, the season’s nostalgia brings up memories that catch in our heart.

And still others are sitting in hospitals and nursing homes, accompanying our loved ones through their final holidays

How do you find light when you’re missing someone dear to you?

One suggestion: intentionally connect with their legacy.  

Honor Their Legacy

“Death ends a life, not a relationship,” wrote Mitch Albom in Tuesdays with Morrie.

Most of us recognize the truth of this quote. Our loved ones never really leave us.

When we feel grief during the holidays, it helps to know that it’s carrying an important message. It’s reminding you that someone who loved and inspired you is no longer here.

And grief also has a call to action: Take time to honor them and the relationship you shared.

We can do that by bringing their legacy forward through reflection, sharing, and action. 

A person’s legacy is the long-lasting impact they leave on the world.

We tend to think of legacy as material in nature. Money. Buildings. Creative works.

But our loved ones leave behind so much more.

People influence us through mentoring and modeling a life well lived. They pass on their values, knowledge, and skills to everyone who lives and works with them.

We carry their legacies forward by sharing their stories, living their values, and contributing to the world as they did.

And while the holidays can be rife with missing our loved ones, they also bring opportunities to honor their legacies. Let me offer a few suggestions.

Showcase their creative work: Many of us redecorate for the holidays. As you move items in and out of storage, consider showcasing your loved one’s paintings or handcrafted items throughout the season.  Or prepare their special recipes while entertaining. If your life has been blessed with writers, poets, storytellers, or musicians, share their work at family gatherings or in holiday cards.     

Carry on their traditions: What were your loved ones’ favorite holiday traditions? Did they cook certain foods? Deck out the front yard with yard ornaments and Christmas lights? Attend candlelight services? Have an afternoon of hiking or ice skating? Make a special shopping trip to a favorite city?  Do the same and, if you can, engage others to share in the activity.  

Share stories about them. Lately my father has been sharing tales about his immigrant parents. How my grandfather escaped a prison camp when serving in the Hungarian army. How my grandmother bartered her cooking services for private tutoring from a local nun to get the education she needed for an immigration visa.  Storytelling keeps family history alive, and stories inspire our younger generation with examples of courage and resiliency.

Do things in their honor. The winter holidays are a time of generosity, of both money and time. How did your loved one give to others? Where did they donate their money or time? Take action for their cherished causes to honor their memory.

Write a letter. If these activities are more than you can handle this year, try something simpler. Write a letter to them. Thank your loved one for how they impacted your life. Describe what they taught you and how you’re committed to keeping their spirit alive by living as they lived. Read it aloud, if you can, to a trusted friend who can listen with grace and respect. 

Or, if it makes you more comfortable, light a candle and read it to your loved one. Because death ends a life, not a relationship.

Hold Space for New Loss

If your grief is fresh or particularly intense, the above activities probably aren’t for you. If the pain in your heart is close to unbearable, I recommend a different approach to navigating the holidays.

Remember this is normal:  My clients often worry that a re-emergence of grief means they’ve gone backward in adjusting to loss. They worry that, after several peaceful months, they’ve “gone backwards.”

Grieving isn’t a linear process that moves cleanly through five stages.

Grief is more like a weather event brought on by the exact right mix of environmental conditions. And the holidays are a near-perfect set-up for a sadness storm. It’s why many people share your mood this time of year.

Whatever you’re feeling is normal. So, proceed accordingly.

Put your needs ahead of others. The holidays can be demanding. Extra responsibilities. Lots of social events and traditions that can feel too sacred to ignore.

You don’t have to do any of it. People can live without your usual contributions to the holidays. They’ll understand (or get over it) if you gracefully bow out of social events that are too much to bear.

If there’s truly a holiday task you don’t want to let go of, ask someone to help. Good people in your life truly long to support you in your bereavement.

Know your team. Identify the people in your world who have the skill and wherewithal to support you right now. These are the people who are okay with you not being okay.  Who give you grace when you can’t commit or have to cancel plans at the last minute. Who will cover for you when you choose not to show up at a gathering or holiday party.

Steer clear of the people who drain you, try to fix you, or don’t understand what you’re going through. Repeat after me: it’s not a sin to ignore a text or voicemail.

Ride out the grief bursts:  Grief can blindside you, leaving you feeling overwhelmed and lost.  But there’s a specific practice you can use to get through a grief burst quickly. Here are the basic steps:

• When you first notice grief welling up, stop what you’re doing and focus all your attention on your feet. Feel them connect to the ground.
• Bring your hands to your chest, one over the other, cupping your heart.
• Close your eyes or soften your gaze.
• Breathe in and out naturally. Track the sensations of the air moving in and out of your lungs.
• Focus on where you feel tension or physical pain. Inhale. Then, as you exhale, imagine that you’re breathing warmth and compassion into that spot of grief.
• Hold the pose until you feel the pain or tension release. Your mood will shift into a calmer state. The grief burst will have passed.

This exercise will not cure grief. Because love endures death, grief for your loved ones will move through you from time to time. That doesn’t mean anything’s wrong. It just means you miss them at the moment.

But if you learn to ride out grief bursts when your loss is new, you’ll notice that their intensity lessens with each wave of sadness. Your grief eventually becomes bittersweet. The less you resist your grief, the faster this transition happens.

You’re not Alone

If you can’t kindle the holiday spirit, you aren’t alone. Sadness co-exists beside celebration for many of us at this time of year.  

If your grief is heavy, I hope you’ll prioritize the solitude and self-care that will get you through this dark time.

If your grief is softer, I hope you take moments to honor and connect to those who are no longer here with us. And that your pangs of sorrow bring forth warm memories to hold and to share.

For everyone, I hope you feel comfort in knowing that your grief, whenever it occurs, is normal. That it’s a universal experience, shared by all of us.

And that you take solace in remembering that grief is an emotion that springs from love.

You’re in my heart.

Questions About Coaching? 

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Rather connect through email? Send your questions to cindy@shadowlandscoaching.com.

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