In an indigenous village in northern Australia, community members bear witness to grief.

The night someone dies, villagers move a piece of furniture or other belongings into their yard. When the bereaved family wakes up the next morning, they see immediately that the world has changed. Not just for them, but for everyone around them. 

This story, shared by grief expert David Kessler in Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief, is about a community that gets the needs of the bereaved. 

That humans are not meant to grieve alone.

Grief is a powerful healing force. But it’s intensely painful. At times, unbearable.

That’s why we need others with us, to help carry the pain.

Yet few of us live among neighbors who intuitively know how to help others mourn. That’s why gestures of well-meaning people can hurt more than help.

Some people think their job is to mend the ragged hole in your life. They’re full of advice for fixing the unfixable.

Others believe it’s their job to keep you distracted. They don’t mention your loved ones, so as not to remind you of their death. (Like you could forget!)

Or they offer toxically positive sentiments. The kind that always start with “At least…” They believe reframing will lift your spirits. It feels like a knife to the heart.

And then there are the commiserators. They share stories of their own loss. They believe they're connecting. You feel like they’re competing.

It makes you want to hide at home for the rest of your life.

But humans are not meant to grieve alone.

Including you.

The good news is, there are people out there who can support you through your pain.

Good grief companions are all around you.

You just need to know how to spot them.

Look for the Signs 

A good grief companion has one predominant characteristic: they’re ready to enter your hell and stay there with you.

Here are the signs that you’ve found one of them.

They’re okay that you aren’t okay. Good grief companions don’t try to hustle you through the mythical five stages of grief. They know the pain you’re feeling will heal you, if you lean into it and work through it on your own schedule. Their job is to accompany you and bear witness.

They don’t offer cheery statements. Or a bunch of advice.

In fact, they say very little. Instead, they listen. A lot.

They know they have no idea what you’re going through. You may assume you need to find a grief companion who has lived through an experience similar to yours.

I’d like to offer a counterview. You’re often served best by someone who has no clue what you’re going through and knows it.

They open their hearts and ears, allowing you to teach them about your experiences.

In your own words. At your own pace.

Over many years of grief work, I’ve come to realize that if I’ve seen one person in grief, I’ve only seen that one person in grief. ~ David Kessler, grief therapist and writer, Finding Meaning, The Sixth Stage of Grief.

Your loss doesn’t frighten them:  Many people can’t emotionally tolerate others’ grief. That’s why they avoid you. Or fail to acknowledge your loss.

Good grief companions have solid boundaries, allowing them to empathize without drowning in another’s emotions.

They stay rooted like a steadfast tree in your emotional storm. And they remain grounded through every cloudburst.

They don’t need you to take care of them. When I first meet clients, they almost always cry. And then they apologize.

They want to protect me from the discomfort of their grief.

 A good grief companion doesn’t need protection. They’ve cultivated what Buddhist nun Joan Halifax calls “strong back, open front.”

Their strong back is the steadfast core of strength that keeps them steady through intense emotions. Their open front is a heart prepared to receive whatever you share: the good, the bad, the ugly. 

They’re your advocate: A good grief companion knows you need a lot of grace. They don’t take your anger personally. Nor your sudden mood shifts. Or the need to cancel plans at the last minute or leave an event early or unannounced.

They understand. And they’ll make sure others understand too.

Give Yourself Grace

If your family has recently lost a loved one, don’t expect yourself to be a good grief companion to them.

So many of my clients worry about the fragility of family members. What if their parents or siblings or children can’t bear their loss? They ask How can I make sure they’re okay?

I tell them, you can’t.

You can’t support another grieving person when you, yourself, are wounded.

David Kessler is a renowned grief therapist who studied with near-death research pioneer Elizabeth Kubler-Ross. In his book “Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief,” he described his own heart-wrenching grief journey after losing his son to a drug overdose.

He wrote that some people who followed his work expected him to face the experience unfazed. To slip easily into acceptance and carry on.

But he couldn’t. He didn’t even try.

Kessler took six weeks off from his life’s work and considered leaving it for good. That was the depth of his despair.

So let yourself off the hook

If you do anything, point your loved ones toward good grief companions in their circles. Let others pick up the emotional burden carried in your family right now. (For ideas, check out my blog post Who Cares? More People Than You Think.)

Then turn your attention toward yourself. And lean on your own good grief companions.

They’re out there. And they know how to care.

Quotes come from The Sixth Stage of Grief: Finding Meaning, by David Kessler, and Being with  Dying by Joan Halifax. 

Questions about coaching? Schedule a free discovery call. Click the button below to get started.