The two Pekin ducks appeared suddenly at our community lake. I spotted their blazing white feathers the minute I stepped on the walking path.

Where did they come from? I asked my neighbors through the private Facebook group.

The group offered exactly one detail: A mysterious couple was spotted earlier that day dropping the birds off on the shore.

My imagination spun a complete story from that one detail:

The ducks were abandoned! Probably parents who’d bought two adorable ducklings for their children around Easter. Now that the ducks are adults, these strangers – who probably don’t even live here! – left them at our lake to be eaten by coyotes or snapping turtles.

I felt angry and helpless. As an animal lover, I wanted to protect the ducks, but had no idea how. The best I could do was seethe to my husband.

For several days, the ducks stuck close to their drop-off spot. But before long, they were exploring the shore and lake. Eventually, they integrated into the flock of local Muscovy ducks.

 I relaxed into being a part of their community fan club. The ducks’ afficionados often lingered nearby, watching them, and chatting with each other.

As it turns out, there’s a small cadre of neighbors who know how to watch over the ducks on our lake. They partner with vets and duck rehabbers to assist ducks that are injured or abandoned.  They even find homes for domesticated ducks and geese who don't have a chance of surviving in the suburban wild. 

The ducks were never alone. They had friends that most of us didn't know existed.  

The Helpers

My clients carry the weight of their loved ones’ world on their shoulders.

Adult children worry about their surviving parent after a mother or father’s death. Young widows anxiously monitor their children for signs of distress. Siblings stress over their emotionally fragile brothers and sisters. Family caregivers agonize over their loved ones in hospitals and nursing homes.

Because caregiving and grief are so isolating, it’s easy to believe we and our loved ones are all alone when the world gets rough and unfamiliar.

But the truth is,  we’re never truly alone. When we look carefully, we can find the helpers around us.

When we buried my father-in-law, two staffers from his assisted living facility attended his funeral. They wanted to meet us. To tell their stories, such as when they accompanied him to a WWII ceremony nearby and listened to his stories of service.

The next day, when we went to his apartment to collect his belongings, an aide escorted us to his room.

“I’m the one who found him. You know, it’s really hard on me to lose them.” she said.

I nodded, knowingly.

Except I didn't know. Not until she told me.

Because in the years that my husband and I oversaw my father-in-law’s affairs, it never occurred to me that there were so many others engaging with him daily. Looking out for him. People who bonded with him and grieved his passing.

People I had never met or realized existed.

I, my husband, and his siblings worked full time and led active lives. We had limited time to spend with my father-in-law. I hated the idea that he was so alone.

He was never alone.

Who Cares?

We often worry about our loved ones suffering from the heaviness of grief and loss. We want to protect them from such suffering. But our time is limited. And so is our emotional capacity, especially if we also are bereaved.

As for eldercare, we hate “leaving” our loved ones in care facilities, even when we know such places are better able to keep them safe. We feel our loved ones’ anxiety toward their new home. We imagine their sense of isolation and loneliness. It’s easy to feel like we’re abandoning them in the wilderness.

"Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.” ~ Mr. Fred Rogers

That’s why it’s important to make the invisible helpers visible.

If you are worried about a loved one’s emotional well-being, do an investigation. See for yourself: they aren’t alone.

Your surviving parent likely has long-time friendships or connections to relatives or in-laws from their generation. 

Your siblings have co-workers, neighbors or possibly friends from church.

Your children have teachers and school counselors and scout leaders.

If you can, spend some time talking to these folks. Let them fill you in on what they know about your family member. Ask them for advice or referrals to services that might help your loved one out.

Tell them how much you appreciate their involvement and care. That their support helps you as much as it helps your loved one.

As you see the network of kindness and caring around your loved one, you’ll feel that weight on your shoulders lighten a bit.

Now, I don’t want to sound like a Pollyanna. I know there’s nothing easy about eldercare or the work brought about by a loved one’s death.

You may be the family leader when it comes to burying your loved one and settling their affairs. You may be the person on the assisted living facility’s speed dial, on call for dealing with every problem or decision about your loved one’s care.

There’s always someone who bears the most responsibility.

But you can’t do all that PLUS give your loved one all the support and attention they need. You’ll quickly find yourself with a bad case of compassion fatigue, which helps nobody.

You need others to pick up the slack.

And that’s’ where the helpers come in.

Postscript: Mr. Rogers told children to look for the helpers when they’re frightened. It’s the quote that inspired my post. I think it’s auspicious that today (date of posting) is 143 Day, a day promoted by Mr. Rogers to celebrate love and kindness. He said 143 is a special number because it contains the number of letters in each word of the phrase “I” “love” “you.”  He chose to celebrate “I Love You” annually on the 143^rd day of the year.

So, to  all the invisible helpers out there, 143!

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