First, there are the mourning activities. And the crush of estate-settling tasks.

For while, there are calls and notes and visits from friends, acknowledging your loss and providing support.

And then, one day, everyone seems to drift away, returning to life as usual.

Everyone, of course, except you.

It’s as though you’re the only one who remembers your loved one died. That they even were ever here.

At first, this new stage confuses you. Possibly angers you.

But you know in your heart, you, too, have to find your way back into the flow of life.

But how, exactly, do you do that? How do you start?

There’s a simple answer to that question:

Just do something.

Crossing the Threshold

When you lose someone who’s been integral to your daily life, it’s a major threshold crossing for you.

Everything you know about yourself gets scrambled. Your self-identity. Relationships. Future plans. Your place in the world. Not only is it sad, but it’s disorienting.

It takes time and a lot of effort to get your bearings.

If you lost a life partner or you’d put your life on hold for caregiving, the experience may have taxed you so thoroughly, you lost touch with your own life.

And now, you wonder, “So where the hell was I going before all this happened?”

And you may even wonder, “Do I still want to get there? Is there a point when it all ends in death anyway?”

The act of striving is in itself the only way to keep faith in life. ~ Madeleine Albright, first female US Secretary of State

The answer to your rhetorical question is "yes." There is a point to having purpose and goals and taking action to achieve them. Dreams, aspirations and forward movement are as fundamental to human life as food and water.

Simply put, we aren’t designed to be aimless.

Because, to paraphrase Madeleine Albright, your faith in life comes from actually living it.

And you don’t wait to feel inspired about your future. You simply have to step forward with trust that your focus and enthusiasm will return.

But “striving” may feel way too ambitious if your loss is recent.

So, let’s talk about baby steps instead.

Baby-Stepping Back 

I believe the best place to start is by searching for joy.

Writer and educator Amy Wright Glenn teaches that there are three primary paths toward finding joy:

The joy of meaning. People find meaning in life when they offer contributions that make a difference. The simplest way to contribute is to make someone else's life better. Even in a small way. So, if you’re feeling apathetic about your own life, try brightening up someone else’s.

You can also try an approach that I call “living legacy” activities. I like these activities because they allow you to contribute to others and honor your loved one who has passed.

Think of ways your loved one contributed to the life of others. Did they check in on elderly neighbors? Volunteer at an animal shelter? Faithfully remember each member’s birthday with a card and phone call? You can make similar efforts on their behalf. You don’t have to do exactly what they did. But you can choose small acts done in their spirit.

The joy of connection. Lutheran minister Nadia Bolz-Weber said, “Faith is a team sport.” When we don’t have faith in our own ability to reconnect with life, we need to surround ourselves with people who do.

People who know we’ll be okay eventually. But they also don't need us to be okay now. They walk patiently with us, letting us set the pace.

We need to be choosy about who’s on our team.

They need to be solid and steadfast when we’re falling apart. They don't expect us to take care of them emotionally. They aren't pushy about us “moving forward,” or full of toxic positivity about our circumstances. And they have to be immune to our moods and tendency to cancel visits at the last minute.

They also can’t be struggling with major life threshold crossings of their own. We may often feel like close family let us down during times of grief. But it’s possible that, because of their grief, they don’t have the bandwidth to hold space for you.

So, give them a pass if you can. And look for support outside of your immediate circle.

Also, let your "team members" know how you want to connect. Maybe you’re more comfortable getting together at your home, one-to-one. Or you prefer an outing, where you walk or hike, but talk very little. Maybe the best you can do is text right now. Just let them know. If they’re on your team, they’ll welcome your guidelines.

The joy of pleasure. The stress of caregiving, death and loss can flatten out your senses. You may have long forgotten the simple pleasures you enjoy.

It’s time to let your senses draw you back into the flow of life.

I often help my clients make a list of things they love to look at, listen to, touch, smell, and taste. Their weekly assignment is to experience at least one of their simple pleasures daily. I urge them to keep track in a journal. And, for extra credit, I challenge them to add at least five new pleasures by the end of the week. It’s like a scavenger hunt, but for experiences instead of objects.

There is ecstasy in paying attention. ~ Anne Lamott, writer

My clients underestimate the power of this exercise. Until they try it and feel how the world opens up in a whole new way.

Moving on?

I want to emphasize; this post is NOT about “moving on.” That phrase suggests you forget about your loved one. Live as though they never existed.

No one who knows anything about grief and loss would advise such a thing.

We don’t leave our loved ones and they don’t leave us. They’ll always exist in our memories. In their children’s faces and mannerisms. In the successes and creations they left behind. In the people they mentored and championed and influenced throughout their lifetime.

You’ll never "move on" because they’re still here in so many ways. But you can find a way to move forward, while keeping them close in your heart.

(You can even talk to them if you want. I do it all the time.)

But in the end, you’re still here. Life will keep going on. And it holds lots of opportunities for you.

Lots of opportunities to make a difference.

Lots of opportunities to have the world change you.

It is your choice whether or not to pursue them. When you make that choice, it puts you squarely back on the path toward rediscovering your faith in life.

Why not start by pursuing joy?