You’ve heard the African saying “It takes a village to raise a child.”

I like to say, it takes a team of geniuses to get us through grief and loss.

Or to get through life in general, truth be told.

The good news is, each of us has our own personal team of smart senior advisors. And because this team is internal to us, we always have access to it.

In Karla McLaren’s book The Language of Emotions, she describes four types of abilities that we all have to help us navigate life.

By “navigate life,” I mean survive, get along, and thrive. These are the three fundamental tasks of being human.

To survive, we need to be able to quickly detect and respond to danger. As social creatures, we need to live in community, which requires getting along with others.

To thrive, we need to be our unique selves. We need to live our truth. Pursue personal goals. Inevitably, that means setting boundaries to set ourselves apart from our fellow human beings. Whom we also have to get along with. More or less.

It’s a lot to manage.

Meet Your Team of Geniuses

But we do manage it. And we do so with certain innate abilities designed just for the job.

I’ve discovered it helps to get to know these abilities so you can use them more effectively.

Let me introduce you to the team.

Our Intellectual Genius manages our problem-solving and creative skills. Its language is “words.” Words not only allow us to communicate, but also help us store and retrieve memories. Our Intellectual Genius assesses situations, predicts future outcomes, and plans a way forward.

Our Visionary Genius is the part of our psyche that senses the bigger meaning of life. It manifests our sense of God or Higher Power or Source.  It’s language is “dreams.” It motivates us through sense of purpose, vision, and goals. In our darkest days, it supports us by keeping us close to our values and moral code.

Our Emotional Genius is a 24/7 environmental scanner. It’s constantly monitoring for information that requires our attention and, possibly, action. It’s language is “emotions.”  It sends up a fear flag when we need to fight, freeze, or flee. An anger flare when someone is breaching a boundary. An empathic pang of sadness when someone needs us to hold open our arms and pull them close.

Our Physiological Genius may be our hardest-working Genius. It keeps our bodies busily responding to the input from the other Geniuses. It coordinates the “troops,” the bodily systems controlling biochemicals, hormones, respiration, digestion, etc. When our body is in good shape, Physiological Genius keeps things humming along below our consciousness. It’s language is “physical sensations.” When our body is overtaxed, it speaks through hunger, fatigue, pain, maybe illness. Sometimes this Genius helps amplify messages from Emotional Genius. Our jaws tense in anger. Our stomachs contract in fear. Our bodies slump in grief.

Who’s in Charge Here?

Who, do you ask, is the head of this committee of Geniuses?

It’s you.

More specifically, it's the part of you that's aware of these geniuses.

Each of us has a core part of our psyche that is separate from the Four Geniuses, and can observe and interact with them.

Some psychological traditions refer to this part of our psyche as the “watcher” or “observer.”  Some spiritual traditions consider it the “true self,” tapped into a higher source of consciousness that’s timeless and infinitely wise.

I like to think of this part of myself as Madame President.

In other words, it’s the part of me that’s ultimately in charge of my own life. As with any president or prime minister, my main job responsibility is to keep my “country” safe and successful.

To do this, I rely on my most trusted staff of advisors: The Four Geniuses. 

When you're asking big questions or attempting big things, you need a big, strong, balanced center from which to process all the information you gather. . -- Author Karla McLaren, The Language of Emotions.

It’s my job to understand their language. To recognize their signals when they need my attention.

I need to become familiar with each one’s strengths and blind spots. I need to discern when their advice is brilliant and when it’s downright dumb or dangerous.

I listen to everyone on the team. I treat all with equal respect, knowing each one always has my best interest at heart.

But I never, ever, let any one Genius take over running the country.

That’s my job.

I’m the decider. The buck always stops with me. I take credit for the good outcomes and responsibility for the bad results.

The Griever’s Guide to the Four Geniuses

If you’re experiencing a transition through the loss of a loved one, your team is there for you.

Your Emotional Genius will pull you downward. like gravity, until you stop and face your loss. Allow it to immerse you in the deep sea of emotion. Trust that it won’t let you drown but, instead, will help you heal.

Your Intellectual Genius will help you sort through the responsibilities of everyday life, which grow exponentially at a time when you have the least amount of energy.  Depend on Intellectual Genius to determine what needs immediate attention, what can wait, what can be ignored completely.

On the days when you don’t want to crawl out of bed, your Visionary Genius will remind you of your most important values. Allow it to help you remember, buried under that grief, that you have a sense of purpose that you can reconnect with, when you’re ready.

And your stalwart Physiological  Genius will do what it always does. It will accompany you day-by-day as you make your way through the Shadowlands of Grief. Just remember to give it as much sleep, good food, and downtime as you can muster. Some people call this “self-care.” I call it “helping my Physiological Genius help me.”

My Closest Allies

As I’ve honed my connection with my Four Geniuses, my life has worked so much better.

Most fundamentally, it’s caused me to drop my resistance to much of life. I no longer fight what I used to consider my personal shortcomings: fear; insatiable need for information; a good night’s sleep.

I’ve developed more patience with others. This, in turn, influences how they respond to me: More relaxed, cooperative, and willing to offer help before I ask.

I still have bad times, but I now  know better where to find support.  I turn inward and talk to my four Geniuses.

 Literally. I mean, like, my lips move.

Of course, I’m really talking to myself, plumbing the depth of my own wisdom.

And in truth, I’ve always talked to myself.

But now, I also listen.

If you’d like a different take on The Four Geniuses, check out my Facebook Live recording.

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Rather connect through email? Send your questions to cindy@shadowlandscoaching.com.