Your older sister had a meltdown because you never called to thank her for lunch. (But you said thank you when she dropped you off!)

Your brother’s aggravated because you bailed on watching Casablanca with him and Dad today. (But your son finally has a day off to help you haul your parents’ old furniture to Good Will!)

Then there’s your cousin, who just sent your mother a new set of coffee mugs. (But she knows your parents’ new apartment has about two square feet of shelf space!)

And would it kill anyone to offer to do your parents’ laundry for once? (Yes, you volunteered to do it. But after a year, you could use a week off!)

"A family is like peanut brittle. It takes a lot of sweetness to hold all the nuts together" -- Used People (movie trailer)

You love your family. Your parents need more help now and everyone is stepping up.

But there are days when you wonder, did we really all grow up in the same household?

Where did these nuts come from?

When families find themselves elbow-deep in eldercare, a new dynamic emerges that can catch you off guard.

As we say in the south, “Ya’ll start getting on each other’s last nerve.”

It’s easy to see how it happens.

As adults, you lived for decades in separate houses. Maybe in separate states.

You all figured out how to get through holiday visits and family vacations. Even enjoy them. A little wine. A lot of nostalgia. And car keys in pocket, to escape when the fireworks start.

But working together during an elder’s end of life is a whole different scene.

Suddenly, you’re in each other’s business in all new ways. You start seeing a different side to family members.

And, well, it isn’t always pretty.

Didn't You Say Sweetness? 

I promise you, it’s there.

I know, because I recognize love when I see it. And you will, too, once you know about the five love languages.

Love languages describe how people like to show and receive love, which is not the same for everyone.

People can feel unappreciated when their gestures of love aren’t recognized. And they can feel unloved when others don’t reciprocate in the way they expect.

And that can explain a whole lot of meltdowns and passive aggressiveness among family members.

The Five Love Languages

The concept of love languages was introduced by pastoral marriage counselor Gary Chapman. He noticed that couples in crisis often complained about feeling unloved, to the bafflement of their partners. When couples started communicating in their partners’ love language, many relationships radically improved.

Chapman and others have since applied the principles of love languages to many types of relationships, including caretaking ones.

Most of us resonate primarily with one of five love languages:

• Gift-giving
• Quality time
• Acts of service
• Words of affirmation
• Appropriate physical touch

Love languages can start smoothing the rough edges of family relationships. It takes commitment to two key things: understanding and generosity.

The Understanding Piece

It’s not hard to identify your own or your family members’ love languages.

To figure out your own, reflect on times when loved ones deeply disappointed you. They probably didn’t do something you expected.

Like when your daughter skipped out on a family get-together to watch the Game of Thrones finale. If that bugged you, you’re probably a “quality time” person.

Or if you lose your temper with your handy sibling who never gets around to your Dad’s home repairs, you probably resonate most with Acts of Service.

The Generosity Piece

The principals of love languages work best with the spirit of generosity. That means you pay more attention to other people’s love languages rather than your own.

You can sleuth out your family members’ preferred love languages by noticing what sets them off. You’ll likely notice a pattern that gives you a strong hint.

But don’t be shy in letting people know what you need. No mater how much we intellectually understand what others expect, you still need what you need.

True connection, harmony and bonding depends on family members’ commitment to becoming multi-lingual in the languages of love.

More Blessings

If you happen to be the family member carrying the heaviest load, the love languages may be one of your biggest blessings.

Because I bet you’re not great at asking for help.

Yet eldercare can provide other members of your family opportunities to care in their preferred love language.

You aren’t merely asking for help. You are allowing them to contribute in ways they value.

For example, the gift-giver may love shopping for flowers and tokens to make your mother’s hospital room a little cheerier. Your acts-of-service family member may relish the idea of keeping track of your parents’ finances.

That sibling who values quality time may be happy to spend Saturday afternoons working puzzles with your folks or helping them decorate for Christmas. The one who enjoys physical touch may love doing your mother’s nails. And if a nursing assistant takes excellent care of your loved one, the family member skilled with Words of Affirmation is the perfect one to write the thank you note.

“For love, we will climb mountains, cross seas, traverse desert sands, and endure untold hardships. Without love, mountains become unclimbable, seas uncrossable, deserts unbearable, and hardships our lot in life.” ― Gary Chapman, The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts

The world of eldercare is complicated. It’s exhausting. It admittedly takes more than love languages for your family to work together effectively.

But the sweetness of the love languages will do so much to keep you all going when times get really nutty.

Would you like to know more about eldercare or grief coaching? I offer complimentary 45-minute discovery calls to see how my eldercare or grief coaching might help.

I promise, there’s no hard sell. Even if you decide eldercare coaching isn’t for you, I’ll give you some DIY suggestions and resources that might help you.